I do not believe in the “triple-omni” God, that is a God who is supposedly omniscient, omnipotent, and omni-loving. Evidence points otherwise. The existence of evil and suffering of such an extent, for such a duration, to such a degree, afflicting so many for so long a time throughout history — all conspire to make the likelihood of such a God highly unlikely, implausible, and likely impossible. This assumed God is the classical Christian depiction of God. I find the arguments for it highly unconvincing.
Prior to my faith encounter in 2014, I was a Buddhist atheist. After that fateful encounter, I persuaded myself to become a Christian monotheist, for about six years. But not any longer. The past three years have witnessed my gradual distancing from monotheism as I re-ignited critical interrogation into hidden assumptions in light of my experience of personal and collective trauma.
My unbelief in such a God now makes me an atheist. But epistemologically, in terms of actual knowledge, I am agnostic. That is, I do not know for sure if there is a God and if so what kind of God. For me, there is simply no way to prove without doubt that God exists or does not exist. Theologies and theodicies may convolute and contort the mind but in the end no conclusion can be found for this issue. Hence I remain agnostic in the sense of freely admitting that I do not know the answer to the question: “Does God exist?”
Experientially I know that my sense of sin, shame, and guilt has been erased by Jesus Christ in my mystical encounter with him during my meditation retreat in 2014. This encounter convicted me in the depths of my being by an inner knowing of his person and work — as “God” who is outside creation and the only one who could effect such a cleansing, healing, and transformation in me. As corollary, I also recognize that Christ remains a timelessly liberating and transforming presence in my life. But apart from this core truth that I have directly realised in my heart, everything else written in the Bible and touted by Christian theologians is up for grabs. They remain ideas (likely human constructed) that beg critical inquiry, questioning, and reflexivity. I do not take them for granted or believe in them for the sake of appeasing religious authority or fitting into religious sociality.
But this “God” in Jesus Christ of my mystical experience is not necessarily the classical triple-omni God of the Christian narrative. There are some useful hints and hyperboles, stories and grammars, metaphors and mytho-poetics, images and imaginaries that assist in making sense of my experiential realisation of Christ. I employ them in my processing of this encounter but do not blindly subscribe to theologies and doctrines simply because they are deemed orthodox or sanctioned by ecclesial authorities and communities. My processing journey is ongoing, dynamic, and emergent, with constant possibility of evolution and unexpected change.
In short, I do not subscribe in all intellectual honesty to the idea of an omniscient, omnipotent, and omni-loving God. At best, if God exists, he/she/it would not be omnipotent even if he/she/it is omniscient and omni-loving. In other words, there are certain things that even God cannot do, powerful as God might be. This could possibly account for the problem of evil. As for belief, perhaps one can say that I see myself as a Buddhist "agnostic atheist." That is as far as belief goes for me. But is such a God likely? I am not so sure. Do I or can I know that this God exists? No. At least not for now and not until some future direct revelatory encounter which may or may not happen.
What do I or can I know? I know this: Christ erased my sense of sin, guilt, shame, and condemnation. Who is Christ really? What sort of “God” is Jesus when I experience him as the only one who could effect what was effected in me? Who do I say that Christ is? That is my lifelong Zen koan. Jesus, more than a pre-fabricated answer, is for me the biggest question of my tiny insignificant existence.
